To be honest, I truly try not to hate things that I cannot change. I hate the fact that I trust people I shouldn't. It is almost as if I have a sign on my forehead that says, "I will trust you, so let's be friends!" And then I get screwed. Every. Single. Time. The good news for me is this..... It has taught me to hold the trustworthy people closer, put more into those meaningful relationships and it has helped me be more callused.
I am a firm believer that in life you truly have 2 options.... to be happy or to be sad. I think everyone has a lot of things in life to be sad about. Some worse than others. I have a lot I could be sad about in my opinion. Unfortunate circumstances are part of life. However, I have learned so much and grown leaps and bounds from it all, how dare I not be so thankful for my trials? Through my hard times, I have always had my family. They are rock solid, what can a girl say? They are just that great. They helped me with Carter and the best thing they did for me was let me make mistakes and learn, but never give up on me. They have been my friends and I am So. Very. Thankful. (I have also had some amazing friends to lean on. I have learned a ton about who real friends are and who to trust. I am SO thankful for my sweet friends.) I also have one amazing little boy. He has been my rock. He will NEVER know how much love and gratitude I have for him in my heart. I cannot believe a 2 year-old has the capacity to pull a woman in her 20s through some rough things. Bottom line, I will not let these things go unnoticed. I also need to extend my gratitude to Shane. Not only is he the sweetest boyfriend, companion, role model and family man, but he is one of the best friend I have ever had. Ever. Through thick and thin. I am so thankful for everything that Shane is. So I thought I would share a letter. I have debated sharing it for a while, but I think it is appropriate since it is part of my life. It is how I have felt for a while.
I wish I could write out everything I had to say. Some things are just not meant to write. They are too perfect to put into words. See, you literally leave me speechless. That is a miracle in itself.
Thank you so much for being you. Thank you for holding my hand, yet teaching me self discovery by being the valiant man that you are. You never made me decide anything. You simply asked that I do what I need to do to be happy. I have never felt so much love and support with so little direction. You believed so strongly in us, you didn't have to say a word.
Thank you for being so good to my son, the little man that is the center of my whole world. I know that you were aware of my apprehension when it came to Carter. He is so perfect and it is my job to let him remain that way. You never made me feel pressure. You always made me feel like being with me was a packaged deal, and it is. You have never one time made me feel like Carter or I am a burden on your life. You tell me all the time that Carter will be treated exactly like our babies will be. You tell me that you love Carter like your own. You even said that if I were to pass away, heaven forbid, you would request that you still have visitation with Carter. Do you know how much that means to me? Do you know that all of the worries or doubts I have had the entire time faded away when you told me that? You love Carter. You love him for the little 2 year-old boy that he is. You have grown so much with Carter and I. You have made us feel so loved and safe with you. Thank you so much for being Carter's "Papa Shane." He adores you. He loves you like you have never been loved. He loves to climb up in your lap and watch TV with you. He loves to sit on your lap and drive when we are on the Razor. He knows it is you when he hears the dump truck pass. He looks up to you and I am so thankful that he has you. I know it isn't an easy transition for any of us, as Carter still has his dad that we all want part of his life; but I could never ask you to be any better. You are amazing.
Thank you for putting my insecurities to bed. Thank you for making me "Shut the backdoor I always had to leave open." You never make me feel stupid for being afraid. I know I am no longer afraid, but it took me a long time to reach that point. It took patience on your part, and it took so many hours of explaining. You have held me through all of that. Thank you for not seeing me as broken. I am no longer that way. You made it all ok. Thank you for being supportive. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so excited to continue to be thankful for someone like you. You are my dream. Thank you for always reminding me that you and I are a team. I will never forget the night you told me that it doesn't matter what happens in life, we are a team and there is nothing that can break that. I have never had more confidence in something lasting. Every aspect of my life is better because of you. I love you so much, to the end of space. To infinity and beyond. (Carter phonics)
So, I am sure that everyone thinks I dropped off the face of the Earth. In a way, I sort of did. I have been super consumed with my boys,having the worst morning sickness ever,my job, Idaho state boards, still moving and a few vacations.
First things first, my men are doing amazing. Shane has been super supportive of my life change, put up with a hormonal roller coaster, pulled the moving vehicle over for me to vomit, been a great role model to Carter and just made me love him more and more every single day. Carter has been playing like a mad man, getting filthy dirty, learned to repeat absolutely everything he hears, become attached to him Mommy in a delightful way, learned how to follow instructions and been my best little buddy. Life is good in little Idaho. I feel so fortunate to have a strong companion and a perfect son. I appreciate everything and everyone here. What a nice change it has been for Carter and me.
Carter is now binky free!! Hallelujah! I never thought we would see the day. In fact, I was trying to muster up a good story to tell his Kindergarten teacher here in the next few years as to why he still had a bink. He has been sober now for 5 days and has not even asked for it once. If he comes back from his dad's with a bink, SO HELP ME........ ;)
One of the last Bink pictures
As for the newest addition, she/he (Or one of each) is growing and making me a SICK woman. However, I was never sick one time with Carter, so I actually have it coming. I feel like being sick is a good sign. I am thankful to vomit the colors of the rainbow and constantly feel like I just exited the tire swing. I am looking forward to our ultrasound and check up next week. I am a worrier... I am sure none of you knew that. Going to the doctor will put my mind at ease. (Shane's too. He is getting a little bit on the eager side.) Carter man is convinced it is a baby sister. A frequent conversation at our house goes as follows:
Carter: Mom, is baby Brooklyn in your tummy?
Me: Carter, there is a baby in my tummy, but we don't know if it is a brother or sister.
Carter: Mom, it's a baby sister. Brooklyn.
Our families are excited, our friends are excited and we could not be happier. We are just simply trying to be patient.