On September 15th, 2011, Shane, Carter Granny Idaho and I found out that we are adding another little boy to our family. We are SO excited! We will welcome Boston Shane Tillotson on Shane's birthday, March 15th, 2012 and we are looking forward to his arrival. He is so loved already. Carter cannot even stand the thought of waiting to hold his new tiny brother, Boston.
Well, if we are referring to material things, I sure hope to someday travel the world. Seems weird, but I have some seriously high hopes for Europe, Tahiti, Belize, Australia, The Caribbean and anywhere that I can learn to appreciate a different culture. I want to do so with my spouse. So I suppose that can be another hope... to marry my best friend when the time is right. I kinda like him, so I guess being married wouldn't be so bad. ;)
I feel like holding a grudge falls back on me. It is exhausting to be mad at someone forever. However, my most recent deal is still bothering me. Am I sad? Not really. Do I feel betrayed? Definitely. Do I want to make amends with her? Doubtful. I feel like a "Best friend" would never do the things that she did, therefore, with "friends" like that around, who needs enemies? I often wonder if an apology would even help. I mean, yes it is a kind gesture, but the more kind gesture would have been to not do what she did in the first place. Apology would be accepted, I may sleep better at night, I may continue to sleep great surrounded by my sweet family, but maybe if she apologized it would set her free, as well. (Unless she has no conscience...which I can't say whether she does or not.)
A brief overview of the story is that I had a very close friend, one that I would have called a best friend, really. I had gone through a divorce and she was going through a divorce too, so I offered my shoulder to cry on, a pair of listening ears, a true, devoted friendship and sisterhood and never judged her for her post divorce craziness. (Although, it cant really be termed post divorce since she is in fact, still married.) We spent lots of nights talking about how certain things still really hurt, how we would have done anything to make it work if we could have at the time, how we wanted what is best for our ex spouses, how we wanted bigger and brighter futures etc. Lots of tears, lots of laughs, lots of long talks, long drives, stuff friends would do.
I remember vividly having a conversation one night with her about how I wanted Clayton to move forward and be happy, and how I want him to experience the things that we lacked in our marriage. I expressed how betrayed I felt when another "friend' of mine had dated an ex boyfriend. We then talked about her soon to be ex husband and she stated she would be very upset if he started dating, especially someone that she knows etc. I remember talking about this in great detail, sharing a lot of personal reasons why we wanted these things for our ex husbands.
A few months later, She was forced to tell me that she was "Seeing" my ex husband. (By seeing, I mean seeing...) If that is how she wants to be treated, as things with Clayton and I were extremely rocky, then ok. However, she violated a friend code. A big one. She hurt my feelings, betrayed me, lied to my face and took a HUGE dump on our friendship, for I made it clear that day I was no longer available to be her friend-even if she and Clayton never went anywhere besides the bedroom. She hurt me too deep and crossed a line that I felt was unforgivable. I would never do that to my friend, especially one that was so strong and loyal. I believe we could categorize her with the slow learners. Oh the tangled webs some people weave.....
Of course they aren't seeing each other anymore. Get real.
Why do I even share this pathetic story? Well, I should get over it-I need to fully forgive her and forget her. I am in no way upset with my ex husband. He was definitely right on course for what I expect out of him. I divorced him for a reason, he never disappoints in this aspect! I mean, there are a million women and men in the area they live in and they choose each other? Really. How sweet. I will someday forgive her and forget her. For now, we will leave it as the "Should forgive someone for." It is still a tad bit touchy.
I feel a ton of guilt about my divorce... A ton. Do I regret it? Nope. Not one minute. I feel bad that Clayton and I continually had to hurt each other to the point of divorce and I mostly feel so guilty for giving my son, that perfect little guy the life that I had with divorced parents. However, Carter is so much better off seeing Clayton and I co-parent effectively and seeing how a normal family functions with Shane and I. Being a single mom was hard. I just think it would have been harder to stay.
I love the choices I have made to better my life and my son's life. Sometimes, it is hard to see the rewards that are about to prevail, but the bottom line is what is meant to be, will be.
I love the strong relationships in my life. I am so close to my family, my son, my companion (Who is a complete saint, by the way), my friends, my co-workers and the people in my life that have always been there.