Day 4- Something I need to forgive someone for

I feel like holding a grudge falls back on me. It is exhausting to be mad at someone forever. However, my most recent deal is still bothering me. Am I sad? Not really. Do I feel betrayed? Definitely. Do I want to make amends with her? Doubtful. I feel like a "Best friend" would never do the things that she did, therefore, with "friends" like that around, who needs enemies? I often wonder if an apology would even help. I mean, yes it is a kind gesture, but the more kind gesture would have been to not do what she did in the first place. Apology would be accepted, I may sleep better at night, I may continue to sleep great surrounded by my sweet family, but maybe if she apologized it would set her free, as well. (Unless she has no conscience...which I can't say whether she does or not.)

A brief overview of the story is that I had a very close friend, one that I would have called a best friend, really. I had gone through a divorce and she was going through a divorce too, so I offered my shoulder to cry on, a pair of listening ears, a true, devoted friendship and sisterhood and never judged her for her post divorce craziness. (Although, it cant really be termed post divorce since she is in fact, still married.) We spent lots of nights talking about how certain things still really hurt, how we would have done anything to make it work if we could have at the time, how we wanted what is best for our ex spouses, how we wanted bigger and brighter futures etc. Lots of tears, lots of laughs, lots of long talks, long drives, stuff  friends would do.
I remember vividly having a conversation one night with her about how I wanted Clayton to move forward and be happy, and how I want him to experience the things that we lacked in our marriage. I expressed how betrayed I felt when another "friend' of mine had dated an ex boyfriend. We then talked about her soon to be ex husband and she stated she would be very upset if he started dating, especially someone that she knows etc. I remember talking about this in great detail, sharing a lot of personal reasons why we wanted these things for our ex husbands.

A few  months later, She was forced to tell me that she was "Seeing" my ex husband. (By seeing, I mean seeing...) If that is how she wants to be treated, as things with Clayton and I were extremely rocky, then ok. However, she violated a friend code. A big one. She hurt my feelings, betrayed me, lied to my face and took a HUGE dump on our friendship, for I made it clear that day I was no longer available to be her friend-even if she and Clayton never went anywhere besides the bedroom. She hurt me too deep and crossed a line that I felt was unforgivable. I would never do that to my friend, especially one that was so strong and loyal. I believe we could categorize her with the slow learners. Oh the tangled webs some people weave.....

Of course they aren't seeing each other anymore. Get real.

Why do I even share this pathetic story? Well, I should get over it-I need to fully forgive her and forget her. I am in no way upset with my ex husband. He was definitely right on course for what I expect out of him. I divorced him for a reason, he never disappoints in this aspect! I mean, there are a million women and men in the area they live in and they choose each other? Really. How sweet. I will someday forgive her and forget her. For now, we will leave it as the "Should forgive someone for." It is still a tad bit touchy.

Day 3-Something I need to forgive myself for

I feel a ton of guilt about my divorce... A ton. Do I regret it? Nope. Not one minute. I feel bad that Clayton and I continually had to hurt each other to the point of divorce and I mostly feel so guilty for giving my son, that perfect little guy the life that I had with divorced parents. However, Carter is so much better off seeing Clayton and I co-parent effectively and seeing how a normal family functions with Shane and I. Being a single mom was hard. I just think it would have  been harder to stay.

Day 2-Something I love about myself

I love the choices I have made to better my life and my son's life. Sometimes, it is hard to see the rewards that are about to prevail, but the bottom line is what is meant to be, will be.

I  love the strong relationships in my life. I am so close to my family, my son, my companion (Who is a complete saint, by the way), my friends, my co-workers and the people in my life that have always been there.

Day 1- Something I hate about myself

To be honest, I truly try not to hate things that I cannot change. I hate the fact that I trust people I shouldn't. It is almost as if I have a sign on my forehead that says, "I will trust you, so let's be friends!" And then I get screwed. Every. Single. Time. The good news for me is this..... It has taught me to hold the trustworthy people closer, put more into those meaningful relationships and it has helped me be more callused.

Privacy, Please!

I am going to make this blog private. If you want to continue viewing it, leave your email! I will give you access!

So Very Thankful

I am a firm believer that in life you truly have 2 options.... to be happy or to be sad. I think everyone has a lot of things in life to be sad about. Some worse than others. I have a lot I could be sad about in my opinion. Unfortunate circumstances are part of life. However, I have learned so much and grown leaps and bounds from it all, how dare I not be so thankful for my trials? Through my hard times, I have always had my family. They are rock solid, what can a girl say? They are just that great. They helped me with Carter and the best thing they did for me was let me make mistakes and learn, but never give up on me. They have been my friends and I am So. Very. Thankful. (I have also had some amazing friends to lean on. I have learned a ton about who real friends are and who to trust. I am SO thankful for my sweet friends.) I also have one amazing little boy. He has been my rock. He will NEVER know how much love and gratitude I have for him in my heart. I cannot believe a 2 year-old has the capacity to pull a woman in her 20s through some rough things. Bottom line, I will not let these things go unnoticed. I also need to extend my gratitude to Shane. Not only is he the sweetest boyfriend, companion, role model and family man, but he is one of the best friend I have ever had. Ever. Through thick and thin. I am so thankful for everything that Shane is. So I thought I would share a letter. I have debated sharing it for a while, but I think it is appropriate since it is part of my life. It is how I have felt for a while.

Dear Shane,
I wish I could write out everything I had to say. Some things are just not meant to write. They are too perfect to put into words. See, you literally leave me speechless. That is a miracle in itself.

Thank you so much for being you. Thank you for holding my hand, yet teaching me self discovery by being the valiant man that you are. You never made me decide anything. You simply asked that I do what I need to do to be happy. I have never felt so much love and support with so little direction. You believed so strongly in us, you didn't have to say a word.

Thank you for being so good to my son, the little man that is the center of my whole world. I know that you were aware of my apprehension when it came to Carter. He is so perfect and it is my job to let him remain that way. You never made me feel pressure. You always made me feel like being with me was a packaged deal, and it is. You have never one time made me feel like Carter or I am a burden on your life. You tell me all the time that Carter will be treated exactly like our babies will be. You tell me that you love Carter like your own. You even said that if I were to pass away, heaven forbid, you would request that you still have visitation with Carter. Do you know how much that means to me? Do you know that all of the worries or doubts I have had the entire time faded away when you told me that? You love Carter. You love him for the little 2 year-old boy that he is. You have grown so much with Carter and I. You have made us feel so loved and safe with you. Thank you so much for being Carter's "Papa Shane." He adores you. He loves you like you have never been loved. He loves to climb up in  your lap and watch TV with you. He loves to sit on  your lap and drive when we are on the Razor. He knows it is you when he hears the dump truck pass. He looks up to you and I am so thankful that he has you. I know it isn't an easy transition for any of us, as Carter still has his dad that we all want part of his life; but I could never ask you to be any better. You are amazing.

Thank you for putting my insecurities to bed. Thank you for making me "Shut the backdoor I always had to leave open." You never make me feel stupid for being afraid. I know I am  no longer afraid, but it took me a long time to reach that point. It took patience on your part, and it took so many hours of explaining. You have held me through all of that. Thank you for not seeing me as broken. I am no longer that way. You made it all ok. Thank you for being supportive. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so excited to continue to be thankful for someone like you. You are my dream. Thank you for always reminding me that you and I are a team. I will never forget the night you told me that it doesn't matter what happens in life, we are a team and there is nothing that can break that. I have never had more confidence in something lasting. Every aspect of my life is better because of you. I love you so much, to the end of space. To infinity and beyond. (Carter phonics)

Love,
Kelsie

July 2011

Carter enjoying some cookie dough on the porch

.

So, I am sure that everyone thinks I dropped off the face of the Earth. In a way, I sort of did. I have been super consumed with my boys, having the worst morning sickness ever, my job, Idaho state boards, still moving and a few vacations. 




First things first, my men are doing amazing. Shane has been super supportive of my life change, put up with a hormonal roller coaster, pulled the moving vehicle over for me to vomit, been a great role model to Carter and just made me love him more and more every single day. Carter has been playing like a mad man, getting filthy dirty, learned to repeat absolutely everything he hears, become attached to him Mommy in a delightful way, learned how to follow instructions and been my best little buddy. Life is good in little Idaho. I feel so fortunate to have a strong companion and a perfect son. I appreciate everything and everyone here. What a nice change it has been for Carter and me.

Carter is now binky free!! Hallelujah! I never thought we would see the day. In fact, I was trying to muster up a good story to tell his Kindergarten teacher here in the next few years as to why he still had a bink. He has been sober now for 5 days and has not even asked for it once. If he comes back from his dad's with a bink, SO HELP ME........ ;)

One of the last Bink pictures

As for the newest addition, she/he (Or one of each) is growing and making me a SICK woman. However, I was never sick one time with Carter, so I actually have it coming. I feel like being sick is a good sign. I am thankful to vomit the colors of the rainbow and constantly feel like I just exited the tire swing. I am looking forward to our ultrasound and check up next week. I am a worrier... I am sure none of you knew that. Going to the doctor will put my mind at ease. (Shane's too. He is getting a little bit on the eager side.) Carter man is convinced it is a baby sister. A frequent conversation at our house goes as follows:
Carter: Mom, is baby Brooklyn in your tummy?
Me: Carter, there is a baby in my tummy, but we don't know if it is a brother or sister.
Carter: Mom, it's a baby sister. Brooklyn.
Our families are excited, our friends are excited and we could not be happier. We are just simply trying to be patient.